I Am An Island—Who You Are When You’re Alone

I am truly fortunate to have a rich life, filled with people who are close to me, while still having a significant amount of independence. When my son was young, my situation was decidedly less flexible as our lives were inextricably intertwined, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. But now that he’s older, I have significantly more time that I can call my own. I miss my time with young Peter, but I love my time with old Pete. No one is free from a certain amount of commitments and expectations. Without them, you would be hard-pressed to make a positive contribution in life, but balancing them with your lifestyle is key to living a life that is true to you. One way to address that balance is to find some dedicated time alone so that you can explore your desires, passions, and behavior, be with yourself, and be present for yourself. 

My excellent adventure

I was recently able to take a week-long trip to the coast of Southern Maine on my own and was completely free to do as I wanted. There were three main elements I wanted my trip to include: seeing friends, writing and recording music, and active recreation. The problem with these goals was that any one of them could have dominated the whole week. I initially thought that the social time would fall where it may, that I would spend most of my days writing and recording, and that the bike riding and beach-going would happen during much-needed breaks. But there I was, on a trip by myself with no expectations or demands from anyone but myself, feeling stressed and pressed for time. Go figure. 

Every day, I would wake up and go through my normal morning routine (coffee, journaling, reading, writing). Then I would sit down to work on my music, followed by a bike ride, time at the beach, and exercise. After all this, I would see my friends. However, the time for each activity was nowhere near long enough. Finally, I said to myself, “You’re on vacation for chrissakes! Drink and watch a movie if you want to. At the end of the week, no one is going to say, ‘OK, let’s have it.’” So I pulled back on my expectations for music and exercise, and from there on, everything was fantastic.

What I learned

I came home from my trip happy to be back (I do love my everyday life), and full of new insights about myself. The trip taught me a lot about how I operated with no external influences. It also taught me that the demands on my time are not about other people; they are about me. I could always say no to other people when they had expectations that didn’t align with what I wanted, but I have to be better at saying no to myself. I have to learn to be flexible in terms of my expectations of myself.

I am a goal-oriented person—I’m always working on something. But during the second half of my week, I tried to just follow my energy, to act according to my whims and the spirit of the moment. I still felt guilty, but I also felt this overwhelming sense of freedom that I had never felt before. That experience made me want more. I intend to plan more time when I have no obligations to or expectations of others or myself. 

The influence of others

People choose to be around others for a variety of reasons, including love, companionship, and similar interests. We are always influenced to some extent by these interactions. Other people have expectations related to the time we spend with them, our behavior, and our activities. Introverts use energy when we are with others—even the people we’re most comfortable with. So there are all kinds of ways in which we’re not “ourselves” when we’re with other people. What we do, feel, or think about when we’re around others is different from what we do, feel, or think about when we’re alone. It’s not any better or worse, just different. I would never want to live alone, but I really enjoy spending time alone and getting in touch with myself in ways I never can when I’m with others. For more on the subject, see this and this.

As an introverted alcoholic binge eater, being alone is also interesting from a self-restraint perspective. I’m (mainly) in control of the negative impacts of my three big challenges, but whenever I’m alone, the voice of temptation rears its ugly head. The good news is that no distractions prevent me from recognizing that voice for what it is and using my tools to overcome the compulsions. I also don’t have positive peer pressure, which I rely on a lot to live healthy, but I am learning, little by little, to address my challenges on my own.

Time alone should be thought of as time with a valued, trusted, and much-loved friend. Don’t feel like you have to rush back to be with other people. Treasure your time with you.

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Artwork by ilbusca