Out of the Sandbox—How to Respond to Irrational Behavior

We’ve all been there. You’re going along with your day, and suddenly, someone lashes out. It might be anyone—a friend, coworker, or family member—and it is totally unexpected. You don’t understand. You didn’t do anything wrong. The person is acting like a child. Your first reaction might be defensiveness—hopping right into the sandbox. You don’t realize that your reaction might also be seen as irrational. You try not to react right away. But then you repeat the person’s behavior repeatedly in your head and start fuming. 

A better solution would be to assess the facts and the person’s behavior. Do they align at all? Be honest. If not, it’s essential to see the behavior for what it is and consider where it might have come from. You might understand the person better and make a rational decision about your response and how you interact with the person in the future.

Adult doesn’t equal rational or mature

You may be an adult, but are your thoughts and actions mature? Irrational behavior can stem from a variety of factors. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines irrational as “lacking in reason or sound judgment: illogical or unreasonable.” You might also consider someone behaving irrationally as being immature. The APA defines emotional immaturity as “a tendency to express emotions without restraint or disproportionately to the situation.” This definition doesn’t reference age, so you can interact with anyone who may be immature. Whether someone is immature or otherwise irrational is a matter of opinion—all the words used in these definitions: illogical, unreasonable, lack of restraint, disproportional—are subject to your perspective. 

Ultimately, it would help to reflect on why you believe someone is acting irrationally or immaturely. What are you basing that judgment on? Is there anything in your perspective that is biased or self-serving? If not, your reaction to the person’s behavior is the next element to consider.

Avoid Defensiveness

A common knee-jerk reaction to irrational behavior is defensiveness—jumping right to DEFCON 1. You leap without looking—right into the sandbox. But that is the worst reaction you can have for various reasons.

• You haven’t given yourself time to think. Understanding the context of what someone is saying or doing is critical to understanding them and resolving the conflict.
• You’re more likely to behave irrationally yourself. When you get emotional, you’re more likely to act irrationally yourself. Anger, hurt, or frustration can get in the way of rationality.
• You’re not going to resolve anything. If both of you are sticking to your position and defending your stance, you’re unlikely to resolve the issue.
• You are not learning anything. Acting defensively is inherently closed-minded. You’re not being open to possibilities you hadn’t considered because you’re not considering anything—you’re only defending yourself.

What do you know about the person?

In the face of irrational behavior, one of the best things you can do is understand where it comes from. This understanding will give you an alternative to defensiveness or anger and provide information to develop a reasoned and measured response. The person’s behavior may be logical, if not rational, given the person’s set of experiences and influences. It will also provide a common frame of reference. If you know what makes the person angry, upset, or anxious, you may be able to diffuse any potential escalation of the person’s irrational behavior and get on a more rational path.

Moving forward

Once you’ve been through an experience involving irrational behavior, there are a few possibilities for moving forward in a positive way. 

• Acknowledge how both of you feel. Just because you understand where irrational behavior comes from and have a rational response doesn’t mean you’re not angry or frustrated. It’s also helpful to remember that the other person will also have lingering emotions, even if they’re based on an irrational perspective.  
• Decide where you stand. In the wake of irrational behavior, you may decide to put this behind you and move forward as best you can, given the potential for this behavior. Or you may decide you don’t want the person in your life anymore. In either case, being intentional about where you stand with the person and how that will play out is crucial.
• File it away. If you decide to keep the person in your life, it doesn’t mean you should forget about the incident. File it away and decide how to deal with it if the behavior returns. It may be strike one or two of three.
• Put it behind you. You shouldn’t hold it over the person’s head even as you file it away. It may be tempting to bring up the episode when dealing with the person moving into the future, but unless there is a pattern of this behavior, give the person the benefit of the doubt.

Irrational behavior can be frustrating and infuriating. But remember, all you can control is your behavior. In terms of your response, that’s what matters.