Parts of a Whole—Understanding Who You Are
It’s the middle of the night, and you wake up as a different person. You’re still you, but part of you is missing. The part of you that is confident in your life and your path is missing, and what is left is a mess of doubts, fears, and worries, with maybe even a healthy dose of self-hatred. Why is it that there are times in our lives when we are happy, confident, and energetic and other times, maybe even the same day, when all of that seems stripped away, or replaced by its negative twin? It may happen when we can’t sleep in the middle of the night, or when we’re commuting, or when we’re alone for any length of time. It’s important to know why this happens and what we do when it does happen.
We are all multifaceted
Each of us is the sum of our parts. You have parts that are happy, confident, and responsible. But you may also have parts that doubt—that are not sure that the direction your life is headed is the right way. You may have parts that become easily angry and feel put upon by people and circumstances. You may have parts that feel shame or embarrassment. You also may have parts that retain a sense of childlike wonder, parts that exude energy and excitement, and parts that are mindful, focused, and serene. Each of these parts is part of who you are and based on your experiences and influences, and each is a legitimate part of you. Sometimes one of your parts becomes dominant and can lead you down unhealthy roads. You go from one internal “reality” to another based on the influence of that part. You may try to deny the part of you that drives this kind of experience or tell yourself to get real or get over it. But to deny any part is to deny yourself. All you can do is work to understand your parts—how they developed and how you can influence them.
The “real” you
At your foundation is the essential you; it is your healthy adult self. It is the heart of who you are, and it is the part of you that can understand and influence all the other parts. Although it has been with you from the beginning, it is undamaged and unaffected by any challenges and trauma that you’ve experienced. It’s the part that can rationally remember your experiences and how they created your parts. It is the part that knows that when you are experiencing irrational doubt, anxiety, or sadness, those feelings are not you. Your essential self knows why you are having those feelings, where they come from, and how to process them in a healthy, positive way.
How to come back to yourself
Although your essential self is always with you, when one of your parts becomes dominant in a negative way, it can be hard to really see your essential self for what it truly is. It can be hard to find your way back to it and find the insights it has about your other parts. This coming back to your essential self is a key element of living with all of your parts while not allowing them to dominate you. This involves identifying and getting to know your parts and engaging in grounding techniques (being present, aligning your energy, and being connected to your world). Both are necessary to get back to your essential self. The following are techniques that will help you come back to yourself:
Get to know yourself. An important element in getting to know your parts better is self-awareness—paying attention to your emotional landscape and what tends to impact it. You’ll likely notice that certain conditions result in specific emotional responses. This knowledge is contained in your essential self, and the more aware you become of your emotional journey, the more able your essential self will be to provide the perspective you need to process your experiences and emotional reactions in a positive, healthy way.
You are what you’ve experienced. The ability to accept all of your parts is dependent on knowing them and how they developed in you. If certain conditions lead you to doubt yourself and become anxious, for example, it is probably a reaction to experiences or relationships you had earlier in your life, possibly something traumatic. You can think back and try to identify those experiences yourself, or you can seek out the help of a therapist who is trained to identify the link between your emotional states and your past experiences or relationships.
Be true to all of your parts. All of your parts, even the ones that can be unpleasant, are part of who you are and part of what makes you whole. If one part consistently gives you unpleasant emotions, it is because that part needs some attention. It needs you to better understand how it developed and what activates it. With time and patience, you can help those parts develop into something that is positive for you—something that helps you to know yourself better. With time, that part may become something that helps you in challenging circumstances and gets you through the difficult parts of your life.
Live in the moment. When you feel one of your parts starting to become dominant in an unhealthy way, there are techniques you can use to ground yourself—in your essential self and in the present moment. These techniques can energize your essential self and allow it to acknowledge the influence of your parts as they happen. These techniques include meditation and mindfulness but don’t have to be complicated or challenging. They can be as simple as breathing deeply, savoring the nuances of a meal, or noticing the shapes and colors of a flower. They can include a deeper connection of your physical self to the world around you. You can explore this connection by walking in the woods or in a park, savoring a scent, or feeling the rain or a breeze on your skin. All of these will nourish your essential self and allow it to thrive.
You have to accept who you are—all of your parts and the person they make up. Each of your parts is part of who you are. To deny any of your parts is to deny yourself. Embrace and understand all of your parts, with patience and understanding, and you will find peace.
