Standing up for yourself—When to Put Up the Shield
“What did you just say?”
There are times when someone says or does something that crosses the line. You’re angry, and you feel significantly wronged. It’s common in this scenario to either have an emotional knee-jerk reaction or to push your emotions inside and continue as if nothing happened. After the event and your initial reaction have passed, it’s important to reflect rationally on the incident, assess your reaction, and consider how you’ll interact with the person going forward. It’s all emotional, and the social dynamic can be complicated, but ultimately, you have to decide when to stand up for yourself and what form that will take.
When to stand up for yourself
Reacting to someone’s rudeness or harshness is not always the best path. It depends on the other person and their personality type. It depends on whether the incident warrants a response. It also depends on what you realistically hope to achieve. A good example of the importance of being intentional about your response is dealing with a narcissist. It’s difficult to impossible to have a constructive response when dealing with narcissistic behavior, as narcissists don’t see their own behavior realistically. A better approach is not to give in to the manipulation and gaslighting that typifies narcissistic behavior and keep your response to a minimum.
In disagreements between people in a healthy relationship, a reaction to something said or done that angers you is appropriate and positive. That doesn’t mean that you have to react rashly or impulsively, but letting that person know that they have angered you or hurt you, when done in a reasonable and genuine way, can only result in a good outcome and a strengthened relationship.
What are your options?
When someone crosses the line with you, you likely feel compelled to do something in response. So what are your options? The first step is to do a quick assessment of your emotions. The pause will let the other person know that they’ve gone too far and allow you time to gauge exactly how it made you feel. The pause also gives you time to assess your response options.
A rational response is what you want, but rational might mean anything from fully expressing your anger to not showing your emotions at all. Your response will depend on how you feel—whether you are angry, hurt, or offended—and on what you hope to achieve. If you decide that the offending words or actions aren’t worth an open reaction, it’s important to ensure that you’re not holding toxic emotions inside and/or allowing the person to act in a way that crosses boundaries with you. You may also decide that any response you have will not do any good. They are who they are, and you’re not going to change that. Then your response is more about not giving the person anything of yourself, including your time and attention.
Confrontation is giving something away
A reaction to a wrong, even a healthy one, is giving something of yourself away. It might be appropriate and commensurate. The person might deserve it. It might feel good at the time to engage. But any open response gives the person part of who you are and what you’re feeling, and, more importantly, it lets them know they have power over you. In many cases, this is good and healthy—an exchange of perspectives and the sharing of feelings. But in many others, it’s better to put a shield up and not let the person take anything from you. You can’t help how you feel, but you can definitely control your response. There are other ways to work through your feelings that are positive for you.
People may tell you that you have to stand up for yourself, but there are many ways to do that. Don’t give part of yourself away to someone who doesn’t deserve it.
Artwork by Jan Steen
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