When the Bottom Falls Out—Dealing With the Aftermath
Trigger Warning: This essay includes references to suicidal thoughts and intense emotional pain. Please be mindful of your well-being as you read, and seek help if you need it.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.)
That was it, the final straw. I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but then there it was—the arrow into my heart. I have no idea how I’m going to go on. I crumple into a fetal position and lose all control. After a time—could have been an hour, could have been several hours—I come back to the world, but it is not the place I left. Nothing is real; it all exists beyond a curtain of pain. I move through the world, but I’m not of it. I try to reenter my life, but my will is gone, and I collapse again. It’s done. I’m done. I have no idea how I’m going to get through this.
Many of us have been there. A catastrophic event that alters our reality and strips away our capacity for joy. How do you move on from that kind of pain? How do you cross the chasm back to the living? You may just want to die—to end the pain. You may even think about ways this might be done. When tragedy happens, it can feel as if your whole world is gone and nothing that’s left in the world could possibly replace it. Everything, from now on, will be inadequate, unwanted, and painful to bear. Everything that remains is only a reminder of what is gone.
The immediate aftermath
In the seconds, minutes, and hours after an earth-shattering event, you likely have little control of what you are doing and how you’re reacting. You may fall to pieces and sob until there’s nothing left in you to come out. You may become almost catatonic and lose touch with your current reality. You may be stable, but in debilitating emotional pain. The everyday things you do seem an impossibility. You can’t take care of yourself or even face your immediate reality.
In the days ahead
The next day may not seem any better. As you wake up, you may forget the tragedy briefly, but then it all comes roaring back, like physical blows to your body and soul. You slowly try to get back to a routine, but give up and retreat to your pain, a pain that will not be ignored, and will not allow distraction. In the following days, you get a few things done—things that cannot wait, but you are the walking dead—an automaton. Every moment you have to yourself is filled with the pain and the overwhelming and impossible truth of the tragedy.
Getting back up
In the weeks following the tragedy, the tragedy remains the epicenter of your world, but you slowly get back into a daily routine. Your relationships are difficult because everyone is trying to make you feel better; everyone is a reminder of what happened. You have brief periods where you forget the tragedy. You might even manage a smile, a brief, unconvincing laugh, but the pain is still the primary emotion. But you’re back in the world, and you realize that the pain will always be part of that world, and you have to adjust, to adapt to this new reality.
Steeling yourself
Trauma is part of life. We all experience traumatic events and must deal with the moment and the aftermath. But we can also do everything we can when we’re not experiencing trauma to be as prepared as we can be. This won’t prevent the pain, but it will give us a foundation on which we can work toward stability. Here are some goals to work toward that may help you during traumatic times:
- Be an independent person. When a person is independent, they can live a courageous life, be vulnerable, and take risks, knowing they have a strong personal foundation to fall back on. They will still feel pain during tragedies, but they will have an anchor within themselves to ground them.
- Focus on your connections. This may seem contradictory to being independent, but in fact, it’s two sides of the same coin. You can count on others on the one side, while still being able to count on yourself. You bring more to relationships as an independent person, and your connections will be more genuine and strong.
- Incorporate gratitude in your life. If you acknowledge the good things in your life, you will be less likely to feel regret when traumatic events occur, and those things are lost or changed. You will have made the most of your time with them.
- Keep perspective. While perspective can seem meaningless (or enraging) at the time of a tragedy. Acknowledging the parts of your life that remain with you can (eventually) be a source of healing.
Be mindful of others’ tragedies
Experiencing a tragedy helps you understand the extent of others’ suffering. You can recall the people who really helped you, and strive to be someone who makes a difference to others. Experiences like these will also help you navigate your interactions when you face further tragedies. It will also give you a sense of connection with others that you can’t achieve in any other way.
Tragedies happen. They happen to everyone, and they will happen to you. As challenging as it is, the best thing you can do is to acknowledge the possibilities of these events and work to create a process for getting through them.
Note: This content is for personal reflection only and is not professional psychological advice. If you or someone you know is in crisis, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Artwork by Jessica Hyde
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