Escape—Removing Toxic People from Your Life

No one in your life has to be there. This concept can be challenging for some to comprehend, and cutting some people, such as family, out of your life can seem impossible and extreme. But everyone has had experiences with toxic people—people who are poison to them. These people are not just frustrating or irritating. They are toxic—they poison your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. You may feel that you have a responsibility toward them. In some cases, that’s true—but it’s essential to examine the context for those responsibilities and explore ways to remove them, partially or entirely, from your life. You may still care about them and want them to be happy, but they can no longer be in your life.

Who are toxic people

People generally fall on a continuum in terms of their impact on you. On one side of the continuum are people who lift you up and make you happy. They bring out the best in you, support you, and are honest with you about how you can improve yourself. On the other side are people who are clearly toxic and have an entirely negative impact on you. The challenging part is that most, if not all, people in your life fall somewhere in between. On the negative side, some people have some toxicity but aren’t all negative. 

So, how do you decide who is “toxic enough” that you should remove them from your life? There are indicators that you can pay attention to—red flags that, if they come up enough, should lead you to examine your relationship with certain people more closely. Some of these might include:

• Those who constantly criticize you. It’s good for those close to you to be honest with you about their opinions of you and your life. But there should be a balance between support/praise and criticism.
• Drama kings or queens. Those who make every challenge into a crisis. These people may make you feel that you must walk on eggshells or always have to make everything perfect. 
• Manipulators. People who may seem fine, or sometimes even good for you, but they have moments, often carefully chosen, when their Mr Hyde comes out. 
• Permanent victims. People who make you feel like you’re always doing something to hurt them, hold them back, or betray them. 
• Self-centered people. These are people who are only thinking about their wants and needs. They never think about what’s happening in your life—it’s all about them.

Your responsibility is to you

You may feel bad about removing someone from your life, particularly if that person was or is close to you. It may make you feel guilty or regretful. But it is vital to remember that your first responsibility is to you. Your life is yours; it is your job to make it meaningful, peaceful, happy, and fulfilling. You are responsible for stopping anyone from detracting from these aspects of your life.

Is it really that bad?

You may struggle with what to do about the toxic people in your life. You may have feelings of guilt or regret. But if you are rigorous in your decision-making process, you can lean on that process to help you through it. Ultimately, it’s about tradeoffs. Are the person’s negative aspects greater than their positive? 

Factors to consider:

1. What is the balance between the positive and negative? How good is the good, and how bad is the bad? Do they usually make you feel confident and happy, or frustrated, angry, or sad?
2. How bad are the bad parts? Are you generally worried, angry, or anxious about them, even when you’re not with them? Do you argue or butt heads with them regularly? Have they made you cry? … more than once?
3. Are they sapping your energy and enthusiasm? Do they bring down your mood and diminish your vibrancy? Do you generally feel better or worse after having spent time with them?

Cutting ties

When and how to remove people from your life is a hard choice. Once you have decided that a person is toxic to you and you need to remove them from your life, what is the best way to go about it? As in most cases in life, honesty is the best way to approach this situation. But it’s important to remember what you are trying to achieve. You aren’t out to create an enemy or get back at the person for the pain they caused you. You are trying to remove something harmful from your life. You can do this with open communication, respect, and compassion, but still do it firmly. You can be honest about how they made you feel, but you don’t have to provide a laundry list of their faults and shortcomings. For everything you want to say, ask yourself if it will contribute to the best path moving forward.

It isn’t easy removing people from your life. But it is often necessary. If someone has a regular or significant negative impact on your mood, path, or energy, it’s time to move on.