I Can’t Believe I Said That!
There’s always a grain of truth to anything you say. It may not be in the specific words, but the emotions behind those words are likely genuine. You can’t control your feelings, but your actions are entirely in your control. The trick is discerning what actions are appropriate in different emotional contexts. Saying something you don’t mean is a common outcome of an intense emotional state. You may later look back and find it hard to believe that those words actually came out of your mouth. Rather than feeling regret and anxiety about what you said, it is healthier to explore what you were feeling at the time and, if appropriate, discuss what you said with who you said it.
Grumpy me
I recently went to a lecture in an old theater. The lecture included a lot of audiovisual content, and the lighting in the theater was off to enhance the effect. One of the people I went with was looking at his phone regularly and making comments during the lecture. I said something during the break and regretted it immediately. It’s not that my comment was inappropriate; instead, it came from a place of emotional intensity and thus wasn’t what I would have said had I been myself. I had had a hectic, stressful day and was disposed to be irritable and short-tempered. Normally, I would have let it go or maybe even been entertained by the asides he was making. So I apologized, not because my complaint was insulting or mean, but because it wasn’t me and made him feel bad.
The heat of the moment
A good rule of behavior is not to make a comment or take an action during a time of emotional intensity. When you are back in a state of emotional stability, you can revisit the situation. If you still feel the need to say or do something, then you can be assured that it is consistent with your intentions and that you won’t regret it afterward. Anger can motivate, and the consequences are not always negative. Anger can be a fuel to right wrongs and motivate efforts toward justice and equity, but it can also make you irrational and impulsive. It’s important to understand how you behave in an emotionally intense state and make sure that what you say is what you mean to say. This is often difficult or impossible in the heat of the moment.
The consequences of your words
You may periodically feel you have every right to say something to right a wrong or fix a problem, and you may be completely justified. But it’s important to look at the whole picture. You have to anticipate the effect of what you’re saying and not only be motivated by your perception of the situation or your emotional state. You may be justified in what you say, but had you reflected on all of the consequences of your words, you may have chosen to keep quiet or say something that wouldn’t have had the negative impact. It’s easy to become self-righteous when angry or irritated, but that will only carry you so far, and then you are left with the aftermath, both good and bad.
Trust yourself
The other side of the coin is that it’s important to trust yourself when you have reflected on the consequences of your words. Have confidence in expressing yourself based on your emotional reactions and considering the expected consequences. Outcomes are rarely perfect, and it can be easy to get hung up on the negative aspects of an interaction. Yes, you can learn from your experiences, be generous and forgiving, and overlook minor annoyances. But you can and should stand up for yourself when you feel it necessary without feeling regret or guilt.
Your words are a reflection of who you are. Make sure you speak from a place of compassion, kindness, and righteousness.
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