Understanding Intimidation—Why We Are Intimidated and How to Handle It

We all get intimidated from time to time, even the most confident among us. Sometimes we are intimidated for good reason, and the feelings of fear, anxiety, and apprehension are important survival tools. Other times, we are intimidated by bullies, and learning their psychology and motivations can help us to deal with those situations. But there are also times when we are intimidated by well-meaning people who, for some reason, scare us, make us nervous, or put us off our game. It is important to understand all of these sources of intimidation, where they come from, and why and how they affect us.

What makes someone intimidating?

Not everyone who is intimidating means to be. People may come off as aggressive, harsh, or angry, but they are not necessarily intentional about being that way; it is just their personality. We may feel we have to change our personalities to “keep up” with people like these, or else we will get walked on. This may be true—sometimes we do have to kick up our energy to deal with certain types of personalities—but it also may be true that this kind of person, despite their outward demeanor, actually does listen without needing to be shouted at. It may be that a calm, quiet demeanor is more effective with these people. The trick is observation and awareness. Use the energy that comes from being intimidated to focus on how the other person reacts and then engage with them accordingly.

A person does not have to be loud or aggressive to be intimidating. Sometimes a person can be perfectly pleasant, but you are perceiving an undercurrent of a patronizing or dismissive attitude (which may be there, but also may be only our perceptions). A person may be intimidating because of a powerful physical presence. This may be in terms of size or strength, but it also may be in terms of physical attractiveness or grace. Intelligence can also be intimidating. When I’m around people who are very smart and direct, I sometimes feel intimidated. They don’t dawdle or hesitate to express themselves. In my perception, if I make a mistake or do not understand something, they will immediately zero in on that. These people are mostly nice, but this combination of characteristics is intimidating to me.

Dealing with bullies

Intimidation from bullies is different because they are trying to be intimidating. Bullies want you to engage in a specific way. When I was younger, I felt that bullies called my courage into question, so I felt I had to engage, often at their level, leading to heated and unnecessary conflicts. These engagements were harmful to both me and the bully. I took the bait and abandoned my logic, rationality, and maturity. It was harmful to the bully because he got what he wanted (it is almost always a he) and reinforced this behavior. Over the years, I have learned to stand up to bullies in a calm, nonconfrontational way that (hopefully) helps the bully question his motivations.

It’s also important to recognize that a bully is not always a bruiser in a playground—bullying behavior can be quite subtle. They can use their authority (real or perceived) and knowledge of our weaknesses to harm, intimidate, or coerce. The key target for a bully is vulnerability. While it is often good to be vulnerable as it can build deep and meaningful relationships, when dealing with a bully, it can be a weakness. So we have two choices: we can own our vulnerability and take away that piece of the bully’s ammunition or not engage from the perspective of vulnerability—stick to the facts and the issue at hand. The key is to stay calm and to not engage on an emotional level. Instead of allowing yourself to be emotionally impacted and acting based on those emotions, recognize that an emotional reaction is just what the bully is trying to achieve. If you do show emotions, let them be bemusement and serenity. Although you cannot make yourself feel certain emotions, you can choose to focus on the context of what the bully is trying to achieve rather than on the surface level of what they are saying. This will help you keep the exchange and (ideally) your emotional reaction to that context.

Why do we get intimidated?

People have different triggers for different emotions. Some are confident in circumstances where others have self-doubt. Some are calm when faced with something that makes others nervous. When we are intimidated, it is because the person who is intimidating us has certain qualities, mannerisms, or ways of interacting that cause specific emotional reactions. It is important to build an awareness of what these intimidating qualities are for us and why they result in our emotional reactions to them. This self-awareness can help us keep our emotions related to intimidation in control because we understand why they are happening.

What to do when we are intimidated

Regardless of the circumstances associated with our intimidation, it is important to know how to handle it. The following are tips to help you understand why you’re intimidated, how to handle intimidating situations, and how to minimize your feelings of intimidation moving forward.

• Awareness of intimidation. We aren’t extremely scared every time we are intimidated by someone. Often, it is subtle, and it probably happens a lot more than we think. Look for signs of intimidation and recognize them for what they are. The more aware you’re of your intimidation, the easier it will be to understand it.
• Manifestation of intimidation. When you’re intimidated, what does it feel like? What does it do to you physically? If you are able to identify how intimidation manifests in you, you can begin to work on those manifestations specifically and intentionally.
• Why are you intimidated? When you feel intimidated, there is something about the person who is intimidating you that gets to you. As discussed above, there are a lot of reasons why someone might be intimidating. Reflect on those people and what it is about them that you find intimidating. Identify their qualities that intimidate.
• Minimize or remove. Once you can recognize that you’re feeling intimidated, you know what it does to you, and you know what it is about intimidating people that can get to you, you can work on minimizing or removing those instances. You may not get to the point where no one will intimidate you anymore, but you will be able to recognize it when it happens and have some tools in your pocket to help you cope. Here are a few ideas:
  • Think about the big picture. Instead of focusing on the person and how they are making you feel, think about why you are interacting with that person. Keep your focus on what you are trying to achieve rather than what this person is saying or doing.
  • Keep calm. Serenity is an extraordinary quality to have. It’s never a switch that you can turn on when needed, but there are ways of improving and enhancing your serenity and making it a part of who you are. When it is, you will be able to draw on it when needed. Here are some thoughts and pointers to get you started.
  • Move on. No matter how hard you try, there will always be people you come across that make you feel ill at ease. It may not be their fault, and it may not be anything you’re doing; it’s just the nature of your dynamic with that person. It may be best to remove yourself from their life. Recognize that the person gives you negative energy and minimize or stop spending any time in their presence. This may not always be easy, but it’s something you can consider.
  • Accept. In some circumstances, no matter how hard you try, you will feel intimidated. It’s important to accept the fact that no one is able to remove all the unpleasant emotions from your life and you will have to accept some of them. In these circumstances, you can explore those experiences and continue to learn and grow from them.

Intimidation is never pleasant, but for many, it’s a fact of life. If we can learn about why and how we’re intimidated, we can learn about ourselves and use that knowledge to overcome the effects of intimidation. We may not be able to remove it from our lives, but we can minimize its effects.