Getting Past the Ideal to the Heart of Who People Are

How well do you really know people? Is your picture of them true to who they really are?

I have this habit of creating really high expectations for people—especially those who I admire or feel strongly about. I put people up on a pedestal and mentally create an idealized version of them and how they fit into my life. When people don’t meet that ideal, I’m disappointed, but that’s when I start to really get to know them. Some people have lived up to the ideal I have created for them, but not exactly in the way I had envisioned. For some rare people, my ideal becomes a dynamic between us that I continue to pursue. It’s based on the potential I see in them and for their relationship with me and not any commitment or promise they’ve made. Ultimately, these idealized versions of people are my creations and my responsibility. Sometimes, I transfer the disappointment I feel when people don’t live up to this standard I’ve created for them, but I know that isn’t fair. It’s important to be aware of how we perceive people and that our perception is likely not the whole picture.

Expectations are your creation

My idealized version of other people is really about me—what I expect and want from other people. It’s based on how other people will enrich my life. On the surface, it sounds a bit self-centered—and it is. If you think about it, everything you do, say, or think is self-centered, but not necessarily in a bad way. All of us are self-centered in that everything we do, say, or think comes from the self. Our expectations for people can be, but may not be, selfish or narcissistic, but ultimately, they’re driven by our drives and desires. However, these expectations are our creations, and no one else is responsible for them, nor do others have any responsibility to live up to them. They’re our problem.

The One

When you think about a romantic interest, especially a new one, your expectations for them can be intense. This is a high-octane version of the usual level of idealizing people. In your mind, you have a picture of who “the one” should be, which likely includes aspects of their personality, appearance, intelligence, and libido. People look for an “ideal” more often in the context of romantic interest than in other relationships. This can be so ingrained in your psyche that if a person doesn’t meet those expectations, you can take it personally. If you ask yourself, why are they being like this?, it’s more likely that they’re being themselves than breaking some established pattern in your relationship. It’s important to be open-minded to who people are and allow your relationships to develop based on that, with a healthy dose of showing them who you are, too.

The other side of the coin

What other people think of me is none of my business. 

~ Wayne Dyer

It’s important to also think about the reverse of the idealized self—what people expect from you. It’s easy to get caught up in what others think of you—their idealized version of you. You may even play into that by trying to be what you think others want you to be and trying to become what you believe is their idealized version of you. But this won’t work for a variety of reasons. First, if you’re trying to be something you’re not, you’ll eventually be found out. People (most people) have a sense for when someone is not being their true self. It comes across as fake or contrived. It’s also not sustainable for you. You’ll eventually revert back to your essential self, and all the qualities you were trying to sell will fade. Finally, if you’re trying to live up to someone else’s ideal, you’re not being true to who you are. It’s a recipe for eventually being unfulfilled and unhappy. The best thing you can do is get to know your essential self—the best version of yourself—and let go of other’s perceptions of you. Those close to you will have a perception that is consistent with who you truly are. Others will have a picture of you that isn’t close to your real self. Don’t worry about it. It’s not your problem.

It’s natural and normal to have idealized expectations for others and for them to have idealized expectations for you. If you’re aware of that and try to get past it, you’ll be much happier, and your relationships will be much more genuine.

Art: Imamember