Tiers of Ties—The Nature of Our Connections

How many friends do you have? Are they all created equal? The levels of connection that you have with people matter. How you behave around them, what you confide in them, and how much you ask of them matters. What you get from them also matters—how they make you feel, your experiences with them, and what you learn from them. 

Garden variety friends

We all likely know many people we are friendly with and spend some time with. But they may be outside the higher tiers of trust or significantly impact us. It doesn’t mean we don’t like them or don’t enjoy their company. We may even love them, but they’re still not in the highest tier. You may know someone you believe is one of your best friends, but something is missing—something that’s not quite complete about your relationship. So what is this quality? What about them blocks them from getting to the top tier?

“Complete” trust

One quality that the people in my top tier of connections often have is a high level of trustworthiness. Trustworthiness is a quality that can be hard to pin down. You probably trust many people, but how many of them have your complete trust? It’s worth exploring what trust means to you. What are the qualities a person must have to be trustworthy? An equally important question is how you interact with someone you trust completely.

Even if you trust someone completely, is it right to tell them everything? Does it betray the trust someone else has put in you? Just because you trust someone with intimate knowledge about you doesn’t mean you are free to share everything. It may put them in an awkward position relative to their other relationships. It may involve very personal information. It may imply that you need them to support you in ways they aren’t comfortable with. None of these elements is necessarily wrong, but they’re worth exploring.

Freedom to be yourself

Another top-tier quality is that when with them, you feel free to be yourself. You have no urge to paint yourself in the best light, hide “quirks” of personality, or constantly entertain. If you do something embarrassing or awkward, you don’t feel the need to make excuses or explain the behavior. You can freely talk about things that you may disagree on without fearing a rift in your relationship. 

Everyone else

There are likely several identifiable tiers below the first tier for most people. And, as most of the people you know probably fall into one of these categories, it is essential to explore these, too. Who doesn’t quite make the top-tier cut but comes pretty darn close? Who is in the tier just above (or just below) cutting them out of your life? It’s healthy to explore these tiers and who falls into each. 

Some of the people in your life are there for different reasons. Some may strictly be colleagues. Others are there due to a shared interest (I have many music connections, for example). Others are family (and might not be your friends). These categories differ from your connection levels; people who fall into these categories may or may not be in your various connection tiers. However, those in the highest tiers are likely close friends, and you are connected in a specific context. 

You are connected to people for different reasons and at different levels. It’s essential to be aware of this and incorporate that awareness into your life.