Divided Loyalties—Forced to Choose Between Friends
Bonds that develop between people are often strong and seemingly unshakable. We might have our ups and downs, but we are devoted to each other and committed to long-lasting friendships. But inevitably, situations arise in which you’re called to support one friend over another. You have to show where your loyalties lie, and often, the choice is far from clear. You have to search deep within and decide which choice is true to your values and vision and, to the extent possible, honors your relationships.
When loyalties are divided
To help illustrate this idea, imagine two important people in your life: Person A and Person B. Person A has a beef with something Person B said or did. For the sake of illustration, let’s assume B works for A. B has had some health issues and has called in sick a lot, and A feels he has let him down during some intense work periods.
A feels that B could have worked from home, worked part days, or at least acknowledged the fact that A has been left in a lurch. B is defensive and says that he should not have to find a way to work when he’s dealing with his health challenges. It comes to a head, and A fires B. Now, assume that you know A and B very well. A is your boss, too, and also a friend of yours. B has been your friend longer, and your relationship is like that of siblings. How do you handle it?
It’s difficult to navigate a situation when two people you’re close with are at odds with each other. You want to stay close with them, but you know you can’t ignore the issue that’s dividing them. You may try to choose a middle ground, but sense that it does both friends a disservice. This anecdote might need to be more specific to choose an appropriate path, but ultimately, you have to decide what path is true to yourself and your relationships.
Maintaining both friendships
If you decide to try to be loyal to both people in circumstances like these, you must walk a challenging line. It may be possible, but you have to be intentional and specific about how you interact with both and communicate with each so they don’t feel you’re being dishonest with them. Here are some specific ideas.
- Keep a strong separation between your time with one and with the other. You don’t want to force any awkward interactions, and you certainly don’t want to cause a scene where you need to take sides.
- Communicate with the people involved. Communication doesn’t mean sharing the details of time spent with one person with another. It means sharing the struggle you’re having in maintaining the friendships, so neither of you thinks you’re minimizing what they’re going through. They don’t want you to appear light and joyful when they are suffering, and possibly angry about the time you’re spending with the other.
- Do your best to move beyond the issue. You likely have friends that neither of the friends having the beef knows about. Ideally, you will want to get to that place with these friends, too. They may not forget the incident, but what is out of sight might eventually become out of mind.
Choosing one friend over another
The other option is choosing sides. This might happen when the choice isn’t clear, but you’re closer to one or the other. It may happen when you believe one has legitimately wronged the other. It may also occur when one of the people is a family member or someone else, with whom it would be complicated to cross. In this case, it is still important to be intentional.
- Be empathetic. Try to understand how the person you’re not choosing feels, and behave in a way that honors those feelings. Acknowledge the relationship you had before the incident.
- Communicate. Making a choice doesn’t mean you have to burn bridges. You may make the person angry when you make the choice. However, if you make your case calmly and logically, with genuine and sufficient regret, you might be able to get through without significant consequences.
- Find a win-win. Do everything you can to make the circumstances of the other person as good as you can with the influence that you have. Just because you’re choosing one person doesn’t mean you want the other person to suffer.
Incidents will happen between those who are close to you, and how you deal with those involved will have lasting repercussions. It’s vital to be open-minded, fully informed, and intentional about how you interact with the people engaged in the incident.
Artwork by Cargo via ImageZoo
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