Why Are We Friends? Assessing the Relationships in Our Lives
People have a lot of advice about friends these days. The old adage, “Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver, and the other is gold,” is perfectly sound, but it assumes people don’t evolve or grow apart. You may also have friends of convenience or circumstance, and you might question why they are still your friends. Some might advise you not to spend any time with people who don’t provide value or happiness in return. But of course, it’s not that simple.
You may have friends with whom you are very comfortable. They don’t always make you happy or give you fulfillment, but you are at peace when you spend time with them. You may have friends who periodically enrage you, but over the course of your friendship, you find value in the time you spend with them. Friendships aren’t simple or easy, and that’s what makes them special.
Who to spend time with
Your social time with people is not always going to be wine and roses. You’ll have ups and downs, twists and turns, and sometimes, you’ll have crashes. That’s what makes life interesting. But in any of these scenarios, you might be challenged, think about something in a new way, or have an emotional reaction that teaches you something about yourself.
If your interactions with someone make you grow as a person without leaving you constantly irritated or angry, the relationship is likely good for you. You don’t want to have only people who tell you what you want to hear, think exactly the way you do (or pretend to), or never rock the boat; that would be incredibly boring after a while. It’s good to have people who disagree with you and periodically piss you off.
But, if you’re with someone who never makes you laugh, never engenders warm feelings, and you don’t look forward to spending time with them, then they probably shouldn’t stay your friends.
How to decide who your friends are
There’s no magic formula for determining who your friends should be, but you can be intentional about the qualities of people who are potential friends. The best friendships are challenging in some way, so “no stress” or “like-minded” are not necessarily the best criteria. On the other hand, friends who don’t invest in you in any meaningful way should not be rationalized as a challenge if there’s no upside.
Here are a few criteria to consider when thinking about your friendships or potential friendships:
- Loyalty. You might have a friend who gets under your skin or with whom you regularly disagree. But at the end of the day, if you know they have your back, it’s a friendship worth keeping.
- Honesty. You don’t want a friend who always tells you what you want to hear to keep the peace or to keep your friendship. If a friend is being dishonest with you, that will eventually come out in damaging ways.
- Mutual respect. If you have someone in your life you spend time with purely out of convenience, or because they want something from you, it’s not a friendship. You can tell if someone values you for who you are, and those are the people you want in your life.
- Emotional support. A friend should have a net positive impact on your emotional landscape. This is not to say that a friend always has to make you happy, but if they never make you laugh, lift your spirits during hard times, or give you joy, that is a red flag.
- Growth. A friend who challenges you and makes you think about your life, your opinions, or your values is a good friend. These are not people with whom you disagree on everything, or someone whose values or opinions go against your core values or beliefs. These are people who ask thoughtful questions, engender honesty, and help you grow.
Not all potential friends are obvious at first, and regular disagreements shouldn’t prevent or end a friendship. It’s important to consider the whole picture and understand the elements of your relationships.
What qualities matter most to you when you decide who gets your time and energy?
Artwork by Cee Vision
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