The Unfolding of Friendships—How Relationships Evolve Over Time

When you make close friends, especially when you’re young, they click easily and are fun and carefree. There may be drama, and some friendships won’t last, but they aren’t hard work for the most part. But as you gain years and experience, you also gain insights and opinions and become more set in your ways. You may disagree more with old friends or find certain characteristics irritating or puerile. You may even question why you’re still friends. But I’ve got news for you: people may feel that way about you, too. Long-term friendships are valuable and rare; don’t dismiss any long-term relationship as not worth the effort without serious reflection and thought.

The evolution of a friendship

When you make a new friend, it’s like finding a cool shell at the beach. Among the thousands of people you’ve come across, you’ve recognized something special in them that spoke to you. And because this person is new to you and precious, you likely look beyond any shortcomings in chemistry or behavior. As time progresses, you establish a pattern with the friend. You may notice some things about them that aren’t ideal, but you continue to look beyond them. As the years go by, you may not be able to maintain a consistent interaction with them, but you still hold them in great esteem. However, a kink in the relationship may eventually develop. The newness is gone, and the irritants are felt clearly. You don’t have the fun and joy that comes from a new relationship. Do you keep plugging away for old times’ sake, or do you let the friend fade away?

Be open-minded with old friends

As your relationships progress, you and your friends will change significantly; that’s just life. If you expect your relationships to stay the same while you are changing, you will be surprised, and likely not in a good way. It’s better to be intentional and aware of the changes and be open-minded to the evolving nature of the relationship. Rather than bemoaning that a friend isn’t the same, pay attention to what has changed and how that might interest you and enhance your friendship. Be interested in the direction your friends are taking, think of ways to support them, and be part of that path. Friends may change, but the quality of your friendship doesn’t have to.

My path with old friends

I am fortunate to have a couple of very long-term circles of friends who have stayed close through the years. Our relationships have ebbed and flowed, but they’ve always been there. One group gets together for a few days once a year for a weekend in the woods, and the other is a band that gets together and jams, even if we don’t have shows on the horizon. It’s been great to have these friends for so long, but none of them are the same people they were when our friendships started. Interests, values, and life circumstances have changed for all of us, and sometimes that was difficult for me. There have been times when I wasn’t sure where some of those relationships were going. But as I’ve aged, I’ve (hopefully) become wiser, and I am now at the point where I expect, and actually look forward to, witnessing these changes.

I look forward to seeing how my friends evolve and enjoy exploring their lives with them. Friendships are not about keeping things the same as they’ve always been; they’re about exploring the future together.

When it’s time to let go

While it’s important not to give up on friends lightly or without exploring that friendship deeply, you should be aware of the possibility that the relationship is going in a negative direction. You should always give friends the benefit of the doubt and acknowledge the history and shared experiences with long-term friends. However, if a friend causes you to have predominantly negative emotional responses to your interaction or if they damage or diminish your self-confidence, you should allow for the possibility of ending the friendship. Just because a friendship is tenacious does not mean it’s worth your attention and emotional energy going forward. Yes, be open-minded to a friend’s evolution, but also be open-minded to the possibility that a friendship has run its course.

Friendships are special and should be cherished, but, like anything else, how you incorporate them into your life is up to you.

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