The End, but Not the End—Understanding Death

A good friend of mine died recently, and I was confused about how I handled it. It was a shock for sure, as his passing was unexpected. But then, because he wasn’t part of my day-to-day life, the feeling wore off quickly. I felt guilty that I was getting on with my life so fast. Death affects us in different ways and depends on a variety of factors, but it will always be a part of our lives. We all have to experience it; like anything else, it’s healthy to do it intentionally. 

Dan

Dan had been part of my life since college. We were part of a circle of friends who found each other as freshmen and learned how to be college kids together. Like many early college friend groups, we found our interests and expanded our circles. After college, Dan and I ran into each other at the wedding of someone from that friend group. He told me about his new job and that they were looking for other people with our educational background. So we started working together, and a big part of our social lives revolved around work. 

We eventually bought townhouses in the same neighborhood and rode to work together. We had a similar interest in playing music and experimenting with guitars. He and I built a bass together, and it is still my main instrument for live shows. Eventually, he left the job, and we fell out of touch. We’d periodically comment on each other’s lives on social media, but we weren’t significantly in each other’s lives. When I heard of his death, I had not been in contact in many years. I was shocked—he had always been fit and healthy—and I had a hard time assimilating what I was hearing. The sadness came, but, as it often does with me, the tragedy needed to sink in to become real.

Factors that influence how we’re impacted by death

People are impacted by death in different ways depending on various factors. Although death is rarely a positive development, there is a wide range of emotional responses to death. The following are some of the factors that may influence how you feel about someone dying.

• How close you are. If you know someone well, you’re going to be more impacted when they die. When they pass, you’ve lost someone who understands you and gets it when you’re challenged or hurting.
• The intensity of your feelings. The more intensely you feel for someone, the more pain you’ll feel when you lose them. If you genuinely love them, you lose part of your heart with their loss. You lose part of your capacity for love. The adage, give your heart away, has a lot of truth.
• How often you engage. If you see and interact with a person regularly, you lose part of your daily life when they’re lost. You lose the repartee, your ability to count on them, and the something about them that you looked forward to. If a person dies but is not part of your life, you may still feel the loss, but it will not be as intense. 
• How you’re influenced. If someone was a significant influence on you, their death may hit you hard, but it’s likely also true that they stay alive in you—in who you are. This can be comforting and may even help you remember that they are not gone; they are alive in their influence on you and others.

My Dad

My Dad was not perfect. He had some demons that stayed with him and that he could never shake. When he died, it was very sad for us because he died with many of those demons fully entrenched in him. In the immediate aftermath of his death (in 2003), the sadness was the overriding emotion for me. But as time passed, I came to realize that he wasn’t really gone. So much of who I am, my values, and my vision for the world came from him and live on with me. My Dad is dead, and his death wasn’t a happy one, but I am happy about his life and the time we spent together. For me, that is way more important.

See the poem below for more on my Dad.

Feelings about your death

Another effect death can have on you is as a reminder of your mortality. It makes you think about your own death and the fear, anxiety, sadness, or whatever emotions you may feel. Although death is rarely anticipated with eagerness or hope, you may not have significant negative feelings when you think about death, particularly if your life has been full and rich (and ideally, long). I’m not “old,” but I’m old enough to have lived enough that death doesn’t really scare me. The pain or loss of function that may be associated with my death scares me, but that’s a different thing. It’s healthy to think about your death in the same way you think about your life—intentionally and with purpose. We all die, but your death doesn’t have to be tragic or desolate. Although it may seem counterintuitive, you can be ready to die in a positive way.

Death is an end to life. We’re born, we live, and we die. The first and last of these are way less important than the middle.

~~~

Influence and Consequence

yes, he is dead
but his life is still with us
through his words and his deeds
he remains always here

when someone dies, what is left?
not just memory, more than a grave
the influence and consequence of a life
remains and carries forward

as for me, he is here
in my heart and my brain
he taught me to think
and to question what I see

his values, not perfect, but
transparent and real, help me to
understand how to be true and
forgive myself when I falter

his life as an example, has many holes
and faults—but that is what makes it worthy
perfection in flaws
righteousness in sin

his impact on me was significant
in who I became, in who I am
even now I look for his approval
I seek his counsel

he is dead
but death is not the end
his energy and ideas
endure and live