Keeping your Sense of Self with Others

I just returned from an annual weekend in the woods with my college friends. We do this every year, and this year was our fortieth!! I (obviously) love spending time with those guys, and we know each other as well as friends can. We spend time catching up, “reveling,” making chili, and playing cards (pitch). For the duration of the event, we are with each other every moment. There are few people I would be able or willing to spend this much time with all in one go, but these guys are in that category. It is still a challenge, not because of anything they do, but because being with people generally is challenging for me—especially when it’s constant and for an extended time. The introversion voice is strong. 

I have learned over the years how to keep my sense of self at the foremost part of my mind—in my actions and words and my emotional makeup. It still isn’t easy; I still lose myself as I get immersed in the social dynamics. But over the years, I have learned to focus on the following practices to keep myself grounded.

Don’t be someone you’re not

It’s easy in social situations to try to be the life of the party or the center of attention, particularly when you spend time with people you like and who you want to like you back. You may “try too hard” to be smart, funny, and interesting rather than just being yourself. It can be as if you’re playing a role, and rather than having genuine interactions, you engage superficially. It’s much better to be yourself—to engage from a place of honesty and authenticity—to be the real you. That means not constantly engaging. If the conversation takes a path you don’t have much to do with, it’s okay not to join in. You can listen, reflect, and learn about your friends without forcing your involvement.  

Don’t feel like you always have to be involved

People often have an urgent fear of missing out (FOMO). They want to be part of everything going on, even if it’s not something they are legitimately involved in or when they’re not feeling it. But the truth is that you don’t need to be involved in everything. On my weekend in the woods with friends, there are hikes, firepits, wood splitting, card games, runs for provisions, and a host of other activities. If I tried to be part of everything, I would never have time to enjoy the moment or take some time for myself. Yes, I will miss conversations and experiences, but that’s okay. The conversations and experiences I do have are meaningful and fun.

I try to carry this reality check into any potential social situation. I don’t have to be involved in everything, and if I were involved but weren’t feeling it, that would be apparent in the social dynamic and in what I get out of it.

Take care of yourself

Anything you engage in, whether social situations, work, recreation, or creative endeavors, requires a foundation of self-care. When I’m on my weekend in the woods, it’s very tempting to stay up late, drink too much, eat “fun” foods, and not have any time to myself. In recent years, I have tried to prioritize those things, and the difference in how much better the time is is astonishing. I have more energy, I’m able to engage with my friends meaningfully, and I can do more. This tradeoff may seem very obvious, but it took me a long time to see it clearly. This need is also true for anything I engage in. If I prioritize taking care of myself first, the rest will invariably be so much better.

In social situations, you are giving part of yourself to others. This is natural, healthy, and meaningful. But it is essential to be aware of how much you’re giving away and how it impacts you. You have to maintain a sense of how much energy you use socially and how much energy you keep for yourself. Even the most introverted can find the ideal balance with time and practice.

It’s okay to give of yourself, but you have to keep your sense of self healthy and intact.