Fluid Identity—The Selves We Become
Your life can take twists and turns, and no two days are the same. But at the end of the day, you are still just you, right? Yes and no. Each of us has personas we adopt depending on the context. In a professional setting, you might be more serious and no-nonsense. With your kids, you might adopt a supportive, empathetic personality. When you’re with people you love, you become more attentive and generous. But ultimately, deep down, there’s the version of you in each of these personas—and getting to know that core self is a key to living a genuine life.
Different personalities for different circumstances
It’s amazing how most people bring a different personality to the various contexts of their lives. Some people are indeed the same person regardless of the circumstances and context, but that is relatively rare. Additionally, always being the same person is not ideal. Take, for example, interacting with young children. Very few people would speak to young children exactly the way they talk to adult friends, and not only because of children’s vocabulary limitations. People speak differently to children to make them feel less threatened and to better relate to them. That idea of slightly altering your personality is present in all your interactions. You adjust your interactions based on the person, the situation, and the emotional context.
Inconsistent personalities
Most people, at some point in their lives, feel compelled to adopt personality traits that are inconsistent with their typical personality. A shy person must be social at a professional networking event. A nice person must be aggressive or critical to right a wrong. A depressed person must appear happy to share in the good fortune of a loved one. These situations happen frequently and, for the most part, they are not red flags; however, if you adopt a manipulative or duplicitous personality, that deserves some reflection. Not all manipulation or duplicity is bad. You might refocus people in conflict by emphasizing that they are all working toward the same end. You might pretend to be happy about a situation even if you think it is misguided, such as an ill-advised marriage. However, if you find that you’re adopting a persona that genuinely makes you feel uncomfortable, it may be inconsistent with your core self, as it goes against your core values.
Getting to know your core self
I’ve written frequently about the core self—how to understand it and integrate it into your life. In this context, I’m emphasizing the need to differentiate between personas that don’t feel right and your core values. The first step in this process is identifying your core values (see here). Once you have a good sense of those values, you’ll be better able to recognize when your personas are inconsistent with who you are at your core. This will allow you to examine why you adopted those personas and how you might tweak them to better align with your core values. Knowing your core self will also enable you to enhance your positive personas—to bring your strengths and your passion for your core values into your interactions.
We are all different people in different situations. Be sure each of those people reflects who you are at your core.
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Artwork by Mari Dein
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