Thriving on the Losing Side
How can you carry on through crushing disappointment and heartache—disappointment that goes through your heart and soul? It’s hard to forge ahead, but even when you see no light at the end of the tunnel, forging ahead is the right thing to do. It is the best way to take back who you are and what you believe in and stand for. Events can give you a fresh perspective and teach you some things about your approach, but they shouldn’t change your values or vision. Working through a loss is the best way to learn about yourself—why you hold to certain values and how your vision came about. It’s when you learn about your gumption and how to tap into it.
Resistance and persistence
Resistance seems like a great approach, especially if you’re in the aftermath of a stinging defeat. But I’ve seen people insist they are resisting when it seems all they are doing is sabotaging a proceeding. Don’t be a drag on a process without having a firm idea of a different path. Yes, it is often necessary to be a force of opposition, but the difference is that an opposition force has alternative ideas and plans to implement them. In a losing scenario, it’s also important to revisit persistence. Yes, you want to “keep on keeping on,” but after a loss, it’s important to debrief—to understand what worked and what didn’t and adjust accordingly. Failing should always make you better. Both resistance and persistence are necessary, but neither should be the same animal as before a loss.
The difference between losing and being a loser
Losing is part of life; we’ve all lost something. However, the difference between one who loses and a loser is what one does in the aftermath. What can be learned, and where do we go from here? One could argue that a loser is merely one who loses, but you can lose and continue to win. You can win small victories, make progress, and continue to learn. If you are doing these things, you are not a loser, merely a winner who has lost. Look at anyone who has had a successful life or career. There is always a generous helping of losses they have learned from, even if they don’t like highlighting those experiences.
Acknowledge the opposition
I’ve gone through periods when I just can’t face the news. It’s too depressing and/or infuriating. I can’t get my head around the fact that so many people see life and the world in such a vastly different way than I do. In good periods, I tell myself we’re all human, and people differ for various reasons, including upbringing, culture, and life experiences. If I got to know someone with a different worldview than mine—really got to know them—I might find common frames of reference. However, there are differences that I can’t get past. If someone is a racist or a misogynist, if someone doesn’t have a fundamental respect for human rights or the environment and a primary desire for peace, I have a hard time getting into the details. But many people that I might consider “the opposition” don’t have views that are foundationally different from my own—and the devil is in the details. It’s important for me to acknowledge that and to seek out areas of agreement. In the face of a loss, finding common ground is always, at least, the beginning of a win.
It can be incredibly difficult after a stinging loss, but the best way to thrive—for everyone to thrive—is to come together (to the extent possible) and move forward.
