When Little Emotions Lead to Big Emotions—And What to Do About It
It all starts with something small.
Don’t use so much water when you do the dishes!
Now, I know how to do the dishes. I’ve been doing the dishes since I was seven (it was one of my childhood chores), but for the sake of argument, let’s say I’ve been doing them every other day since I was 21. That’s 6,387 times I’ve done the dishes (a conservative estimate, as I sometimes do them several times a day, or every day for stretches). I’ve never had a dishwasher. I know how I like to do them. Maybe I do run more water than some, but I also do them faster, as I’m not waiting for a trickle of water to clear off the soap. And if that’s my luxury in life, it’s really not too much to ask. There is no regional water shortage—in fact, it’s been raining like crazy. We’re paying extra for the water—estimated at an extra $3 per month—but it’s money I’m perfectly willing to spend to do the dishes my way.
If you’re of the crazy opinion that this is something fairly small to be testy about and I’m being defensive, then you’re right. But it does make me irritable. How does something so small turn into something that impacts my emotional state? Why can’t I just say “that’s the way I like to do the dishes” and be done with it? The answer is precisely because it’s so small—I don’t feel the need to have a big discussion over it, so I let it get to me. These small, inconsequential emotions become bigger emotions that impact my overall emotional state.
The subtle path toward irritability
When we feel irritable, it can be difficult to pinpoint when and how it started. It may be that we’re short on sleep or that we haven’t had enough to eat. We may be busy and intent on getting something completed. We may have had something upset us recently that we haven’t had time to process. The paths toward irritability are many, and we usually don’t even realize that we’re on them. We probably do realize it when our irritation manifests itself. We lash out at inconsequential snippets of conversation—innocent activity, noise, or interaction gets under our skin. We snap at someone or curse silently to ourselves and then think, “Where did that come from?” If we have a reasonable level of self-awareness, we might stop and try to think through our emotional journey. We might apologize to the person we snapped at and explain why we think we’re irritable. But we may just as likely get defensive about our reaction and continue down the path toward anger.
The short, slippery path from irritation to anger
When we have heated arguments and are asked how it started, it’s often the case that neither party knows. Or, more accurately, we know, but it doesn’t make sense. How could we be getting so angry at something so small? If we examine these situations, we might discover we had a journey similar to the one described above. We were irritable, we got defensive, and we dug in our heels. The person we’re arguing with did the same. The argument and anger sparked from a foundation that included a denial of what we were feeling and experiencing. When we start to feel irritable or angry, it’s very helpful to stop and think about our emotional state and how we got there. This can be difficult—we may find that we’re defensive, not only to others but also toward our own inner voice. It takes courage and honesty to address our negative emotions, but it ultimately feels great and helps build rock-solid and genuine relationships. By being honest about our own faults, we show vulnerability that people can recognize and appreciate.
The consequences of letting irritation or anger fester
The other direction we can go in is to stay in defensive mode, fail to be honest with ourselves, and let our negative emotions, both big and small, fester. Instead of acknowledging and addressing our irritability and anger, we hold it inside and stay in a semi-permanent state of irritability and anger. We make life intensely unpleasant for ourselves and those around us. The problem is, when we hold our feelings inside, they never stay inside—they always find ways to come out. They might come out physiologically, in the form of heartburn, headaches, or more extreme ailments. They will come out psychologically, in the form of anxiety, stress, and worry that we can’t quite explain or control. And they will almost certainly come out in our words and actions. We may blow up at some little thing or have extreme, irrational bursts of anger at traffic, long lines in a store, or a minor hiccup in our plans. Most unfortunately, we may harbor bitterness in our relationships that we can’t explain. A wall will go up between us and whoever it is we’ve had our “minor” arguments with. We’ll keep building them up in our minds until they’re insurmountable.
Developing good emotional habits
It’s not difficult to recognize and understand our negative emotions, but it requires us to be intentional. Working toward emotional awareness offers a wealth of benefits. It helps us be happy and serene, it makes for solid and genuine relationships, and it allows us to find a path in life that is consistent with our strengths and passions. Good emotional habits include recognizing when we’re irritable or angry, exploring the reasons for those emotions, and speaking and acting with insights gleaned from that exploration. When “minor” negative emotions arise, we should have a plan for dealing with them. This might include pausing and reflecting on the series of events that led to these emotions or getting away from a person or situation for a brief period. However we respond to our negative emotions, we should be ready to act quickly to recognize them and bring them under control. This includes being completely honest—with ourselves and with others—about both our emotions and how they alter our words or behaviors. Finally, it’s vital to find time for reflection that isn’t related to an instance of irritability or anger—a time when we’re calm and have the mental and emotional space for deep reflection on our emotional makeup. Negative emotions don’t appear out of nowhere, and it’s important to understand where they come from and how they arise.
Getting to know our emotions is part of getting to know ourselves.
