The Fluidity of Friendship—The Evolving Nature of Our Connections

The people you know are not the same people they were when you met.

People change—sometimes little by little, in subtle ways, and sometimes dramatically—but, ultimately, we all change all the time. We have to be open to changes in the people we know—even those we have known intimately or for a long time. If we expect people to stay the same, we will invariably be disappointed or confused. We also have to be open to changes within ourselves. If we find ourselves wondering why we aren’t reacting the same way to what is happening to us, it is because we are experiencing life as evolving, growing people. We constantly respond to the events in our lives in different ways, whether we know it or not. Once we embrace this fact, we will be able to handle life’s twists and turns with a sense of wonder and excitement instead of worry and foreboding.

Change is the only thing that will always be with us.

With every breath we take, we change, and with every moment that passes, we become slightly different people. Every experience that we have gives us new information and new insights, and these change the way we think and behave. One reason why we may not think we change all that much is that most of the changes are very subtle. All of these minute changes accumulate over time and shift who we are in the same way that a trickle of water can eventually change the shape of a rock. We also periodically have epiphanies that can cause major shifts in our priorities, values, and worldviews. These may seem sudden, but they are likely the result of a multitude of miniscule epiphanies and shifts. This happens to us and to all the people in our lives. They undergo similar continuous changes.

A closer look at the people around you

You’re just getting to know people—even the people you’ve known for years. It can be a weird way to think about your friends and acquaintances. You may feel like you know the people in your life well, and, to a large degree, this may be true. It may be that the people in your life are only undergoing the very small changes mentioned earlier and you don’t see them. You know these people well aside from the small shifts in outlook and perspective that they are experiencing. However, it’s important to be observant regarding these small changes and to incorporate them in the way you interact with your friends and acquaintances. They can make the difference between having very ordinary surface interactions and making deeper connections. Awareness and acknowledgment of the little changes can also help us understand the big changes and incorporate them into our relationships as they don’t come as a total surprise. We have the opportunity to see them coming by observing the little changes as they happen.

Who do you know?

Life is about learning and growing. As we observe the changes in the people we know, we can also reflect on the changes we are going through. We can continually get to know our acquaintances as they evolve and grow, and we can continually work to get to know ourselves better. In these endeavors, it’s important not to get too attached to any perspective. If someone we know does something that seems completely “out of character,” it may not be out of character at all. It is much more likely that we haven’t seen the changes that they have been going through or that we have seen them but haven’t allowed ourselves to acknowledge them. The same can happen within ourselves. As we evolve, we may not be comfortable with where our thoughts and changes in values are leading us, and we may be in denial about them. It is important to take the time to reflect on the changes within us—to explore where they are coming from and where they’re going.

Fear of big changes in our lives

Whenever we go through big changes in our lives—moving, changing jobs, ending relationships—it can be frightening. We are entering uncharted territory and interacting with people we don’t know. We have to get to know new people and develop new relationships. But, if we think about the fact that we are doing that all the time—getting to know the “new people” in our lives by observing the changes that the people we know undergo—then it will seem considerably less scary. It’s easy to recognize people who are skilled at this. They tend to relate to people they have just met as if they are long-term acquaintances; they’re comfortable with anyone they interact with. This is because they realize that all the people they come across are new people—that all people grow and evolve and we should engage with all people with open minds. If we accept the newness of each day and all the people we meet, we will no longer fear the big changes in our lives—we will accept that changes are an integral part of our lives.

I have regularly experienced feelings of anxiety related to big changes in my life. At the moment, I’m about to experience a major career change. I’ve had the same job for many years, so this change will be significant. I go through phases of being anxious about leaving the people I’ve worked with for years then remembering that they are evolving and growing. So, in a sense, they are not the same people they were when I started working with them. The new people I will meet will also be changing and growing, so maintaining a certain comfort level with new people is critical no matter what my path is. No matter what direction my life takes me in, I will be OK—I will be open to the changes that I experience as well as the changes in those around me.

Our friendships are like floating down a river: we experience twists and turns and encounter tumultuous areas, but, ultimately, the ride is worth it.

~~~

Artwork by Prill