Dichotomies Within—Understanding the Opposing Forces in You

Most people have parts of themselves that are hard to fathom. You might know someone who is friendly and gregarious but needs to have time to themselves. Someone might seem sympathetic and compassionate, and suddenly, you see a cruel or aggressive side. Rarely is someone’s complete makeup painted with the same stroke. That’s what makes people interesting—and hard to predict. It’s very likely the same is true for you. If you look within yourself, you will likely find parts that are incongruous with how you or others think of you. Understanding these aspects of your makeup will give you peace and help you choose a path consistent with those dichotomies.

Personal dichotomies

Some people try really hard to be consistent. They want to be a solid presence for their partner, kids, or friends or feel they operate better with an unvarying approach. This attitude may work, but it can be hard, as it likely denies parts of themselves that do not fit into their self-image. No one is completely unequivocal in terms of their attributes. The nicest person in the world will periodically snap at someone. An extremely energetic person will sometimes want some downtime. It’s important to explore these contrasts and consider that they might be a positive aspect of your makeup. One attribute may be an important break from its opposing counterpart. 

My dichotomies

I’m full of dichotomies, and I kind of like it that way. I love being around people, laughing, and talking, but I absolutely need time alone to build back my social energy. I pride myself on being pleasant, but I can be defensive or aggressive if pushed too far. I love traveling and being adventurous but also need time in familiar and comfortable surroundings to keep a solid emotional foundation. I view these dichotomies as a positive part of who I am. They allow me to push myself, knowing I’ll have time to recharge later. They allow me to stand up for myself while still being a “nice guy.” And maybe most importantly, they will enable me to have a full, rich social life as an extreme introvert. 

Living with your dichotomies

Attributes that may seem at odds or inconsistent with one another may make you feel disingenuous or ungrounded. But they are a natural part of people’s makeup. Life is complicated, and no one can be exactly the same person from situation to situation. It’s healthy to have personal dichotomies as it allows you to bring a variety of emotional and personality attributes to bear, depending on the situation and context you’re facing. However, having a good sense of yourself and being on guard for affected or duplicitous behaviors are also important. It’s a red flag if you consciously try to put on a personality attribute that isn’t a natural part of your core self. People naturally have contrasting attributes, but they should come naturally without planning or effort. 

Dichotomies in others

Other people in your life will also have contrasting attributes, and if you always expect the same person to be present in all situations, you’ll invariably be disappointed or upset. You might think that an established relationship will always be stable and predictable. But people have twists and turns in their emotional journey, which will come out in how they present themselves—even to the people closest to them. Even the best relationships will have ups and downs and challenges along the way—no matter how they’re portrayed in books and movies. The best thing you can do is to work with the ebbs and flows of the relationship intentionally, taking into account the dichotomies of you and others.

People are complicated, and that’s OK. Exploring the dichotomies and contrasts of yourself and of others brings a richness to your life that would not otherwise be present.