Innermost Secrets and Your Core Self

Everyone has a right to their secrets. We all have ideas, passions, and emotions constantly streaming through us. Some are dark and would hurt people in our lives if they were known. Some of them may be embarrassing and cause us to feel guilty and ashamed if they were known. Your psyche belongs to you. The version of yourself you choose to share is up to you and you alone. The parts of you that you don’t share are no one else’s business.

Your innermost self

You have a core self that only you know and understand. You have such extensive amounts of personal experiences, cultural influences, situational contexts, and nuances of preferences that it would be impossible for anyone else to have a comprehensive understanding of your core self. Some are significantly closer than others in your life, but they still don’t get close to having the whole package. That is only for you; because of that, there will always be certain elements of your core self that should remain only with you.

Are secrets lies?

There are two kinds of lies: commission (lying out loud) and omission (keeping something to yourself). But the latter is tricky. Is every secret you have a lie to someone? Of course not. Did you tell everyone in your life what time you woke up today? What you dreamt about? How your bowels are doing? A lie of omission is something you should share with someone but you don’t. But therein lies the rub. You have an opinion about what falls into that category, while others may have other opinions. But the bottom line is it’s your life you’re talking about, and it is really up to you. Some omissions, if made known, might be very painful (see below), so you need to be honest with yourself and be on the lookout for rationalizations. But the bottom line is: what you share about your life is up to you and you alone.

Secrets can cause pain

Some might say that keeping secrets from those you are close to and love is unhealthy or even a betrayal. But it depends on the secret. Some secrets are obviously betrayals, such as those related to an affair or those that undermine someone’s goals or dreams. Any secret related to an action that is clearly detrimental to someone is a betrayal. However, there are gray areas. If you are in a committed monogamous relationship, and you find yourself attracted to someone else, keeping that a secret may save causing someone pain. As I move through my day, I may consider five percent of the people I meet attractive, but I’m not constantly pointing them out to my wife. The whole truth can cause pain, and if sharing that information does not serve any purpose, then neither does the pain.

Sharing parts of yourself

Sharing secrets can also be very healthy. Sometimes, you may struggle with something—something that is deep within your heart. If it became general knowledge, it might hurt certain people. Sharing those secrets with a close friend can help you find the way. Sharing them can help you see a path forward that you might not have seen. A trusted friend may face similar circumstances and can provide feedback based on their experiences. Keeping dark secrets can be stressful and worrisome; sharing them with a friend can help you cope. But again, you are choosing who you share these secrets with. You must trust they will keep the secret safe and not share it with even their closest friends. 

Managing your innermost secrets is not a betrayal of those you love but an act of love for yourself.