People have a lot of advice about friends these days. The old adage, “Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver, and the other is gold,” is perfectly sound, but it assumes people don’t evolve or grow apart. You may also have friends of convenience or circumstance, and you might question why they are still your friends. Some might advise you not to spend any time with people who don’t provide value or happiness in return. But of course, it’s not that simple.
I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. In my experience, they start strong but fizzle out quickly. I’m more of a fan of regular and consistent attention to habits and lifestyle, to goals and vision. Resolutions are popular because people tend to slip off their desired habits during the holidays, and resolutions help them get back on track. But it’s obviously better not to fall off the wagon in the first place. Easier said than done, I know. Treating yourself during special occasions is healthy. So where is the sweet spot? Where does a special treat start, and falling off the wagon begin?
You are receiving regular communications… from yourself. Many of the messages are ignored, like so many unread emails in your inbox, but they are all delivered. The messages come from your brain, your body, your energy, and your spirit. Everyone notices the big ones, such as injuries, heartache, or fatigue, but there are so many more that may go completely unnoticed. The nuances of your body, mind, and spirit are there for you, and you only need to pay attention and become aware of them.
That was it, the final straw. I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but then there it was—the arrow into my heart. I have no idea how I’m going to go on. I crumple into a fetal position and lose all control. After a time—could have been an hour, could have been several hours—I come back to the world, but it is not the place I left. Nothing is real; it all exists beyond a curtain of pain. I move through the world, but I’m not of it. I try to reenter my life, but my will is gone, and I collapse again. It’s done. I’m done. I have no idea how I’m going to get through this.
Many of us have been there. A catastrophic event that alters our reality and strips away our capacity for joy. How do you move on from that kind of pain? How do you cross the chasm back to the living? You may just want to die—to end the pain. You may even think about ways this might be done. When tragedy happens, it can feel as if your whole world is gone and nothing that’s left in the world could possibly replace it. Everything, from now on, will be inadequate, unwanted, and painful to bear. Everything that remains is only a reminder of what is gone.
Your life can take twists and turns, and no two days are the same. But at the end of the day, you are still just you, right? Yes and no. Each of us has personas we adopt depending on the context. In a professional setting, you might be more serious and no-nonsense. With your kids, you might adopt a supportive, empathetic personality. When you’re with people you love, you become more attentive and generous. But ultimately, deep down, there’s the version of you in each of these personas—and getting to know that core self is a key to living a genuine life.